I find Oliver staring at me. “Do you miss Jess?”
“Yes. She was my friend.”
“Then why don’t you show it?”
“Why should I?” I ask, sitting up. “If I know I feel it, that’s what counts. Don’t you ever look at someone who’s hysterical in public and wonder if it’s because they really feel miserable or because they want others to know they’re miserable? It kind of dilutes the emotion if you display it for the whole world to see. Makes it less pure.”
House Rules, Jodi Picoult
Life
“Hide in a raincoat when things are falling apart,”
- Do not lose sight of what truly matters.
- It is okay to be alone or pull back from the world.
- You are not always in control.
- What other people think is irrelevant.
- Don’t give up.
- You don’t have to know all the answers.
- You are enough.
- Stay present.
- Your feelings will not kill you.
- You are human.
Thank you, @mindbodygreen.
♥
“If my life is mine, what shouldn’t I do?”
The first month of 2012 is nearly over, but I just thought I’d capture the (very few) highlights of my 2011 anyway –
Preteen dream come true: Blue LIVE @ Ion 2011
David Hurwitz, Zee Avi, JP Maramba & Rafael Pereira
Flickr set: Zee Avi LIVE @ TAB 2011
“In your darkest hour, I’d lead you through the fire”
“And some days were good, and some days were bad, and then there was a whole lotta other days in between that really weren’t anything at all.
Just existence. Just getting the job done.”
– Lisa Gardner, Hide
“When the lights die”
*
There were a few things I had in mind to write about and a few photos of recent events that I’d wanted to put up here, but a few days ago, tragedy had struck one of my dearest friends and suddenly, not much else mattered enough to be talked about at this period of time. I’d dropped almost everything just so I could be there for her, even if that meant minimum sleep and taking a half day off from work for the funeral. I can just imagine how her world came to a total standstill in a matter of minutes; throughout the day, it killed me just a little bit more every time I caught a glimpse of her face – she wore a mask of strength, but every few minutes or so, bits of that mask tore away as her face crumbled with all the pain she was trying to keep in.
“With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept”
Last weekend, it was my grandmother’s third death anniversary. I’m not sure whether to say “wow, that was fast” or just to leave it as it is –
The funny (well, not really. More like just the way it is) thing about “time” itself is that it depends on perception. And all the constants in one’s life. For example, time might seem to fly past you because you are juggling so many tasks on hand at one go, while simultaneously time might seem to slow down even when you’re really busy because you have a deadline to meet and Mr. Time decides to be nice to you and make you feel like you have ample time to meet the deadline. Did I make sense? I hope I did, because I’m constantly at war with how time feels to me –
I’m past the grieving stage, at least. I haven’t cried at the thought of her lately, though the gnawing in my chest still hasn’t gone away. I haven’t thought of her much, mostly cos work keeps my life preoccupied but certain things/places/people will still remind me of her. I don’t feel sad each time I see any other old lady I pass by but I still can’t look at them in the eye without thinking how lucky her grandchildren must be to have her. I don’t feel angry anymore that she’s gone, but I still wish I had someone to call Nyai just for one more day.
To put it simply, I just don’t think about it much anymore. I’m not sure if that came with growing numb, or if it was the successful result of forcing my mind not to dwell on it still.
I’ve always thought grieving would happen in stages – and those stages may take years to go through before you have everything coming full circle. But even when you reach that final stage of letting go, after leaping over the painfully high hurdle of acceptance, someone’s death will always be a part of us. We’ll come to a point when we’d barely feel the pain of loss anymore, but we have that gaping hole in our heart as the wound that can’t be healed. I wouldn’t call it a wound of glory like the one a soldier would bring home proudly as a statement of having fought a war, but the wound that death inflicts upon us is a wound that would just remain unhealed; a wound not in your flesh, but in your soul, if you will.
It’s like a scar that will forever mark your skin, or that lipstick stain on the shirt you can’t get rid of – you’ll get past the fact that it’s THERE, but you go through your day with it anyway because it’s best to just move on instead of being stuck in a state of inertia.
If she and my mom were still around, Mothers’ Day today would probably feel like it meant something to me, rather than just one other ordinary day.
Here’s to a wonderful Mothers’ Day to all amazing mamas out there.
Pax et amor,
♥
“Reckless abandon, like no one’s watching you”
To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don’t get over it because ‘it’ is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over it is not made anodyne by death. The hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?
Jeanette Winterson,
Written On The Body
*
I seem to have let this space wither away. Updating sporadically via mobile kinda keeps it alive, but just barely, methinks. Time is of the essence indeed, and it is time itself that I seem to be lacking these days. Or to be more specific, time during which I am productive – I’m shamefully admitting that on the rare days that I have to myself, I choose to just shut myself out from the world, literally draw the curtains of the windows close and just hole up within four walls for the entire day or two.
I hardly even pen any fleeting thoughts down these days; I’d choose to just close my eyes & sleep everything away instead.
How is it that one is able to lose their vigor for life so easily?
Or a better question would be – how does one get back that intensity to wake up in the mornings & LIVE each day to its maximum potential?
♥
“You’re sincerely, lost completely”
Life’s just a big whirlwind of changes; sucking you in and taking you along for the ride. Circumstances will always keep changing, things won’t always go according to plan and yes, sometimes you just want to wash your hands off everything, but y’know what? You just gotta find a way to deal with it. It all comes down to finding a compromise – get a good grip on yourself honey, ‘cos no one else is gonna do that for you.
Sometimes other people just can’t be sympathetic with the plight of others, and that may be one of the most selfish acts a person can do but sometimes, everything else really does seem too trivial to worry about, next to the mountain of muck on your own plate which you’re still being forced fed with.
No one else can help you more than yourself
You have the choice of coming to terms with the changes, or letting them masticate you from your inside out & consuming you whole.
Make the right choice.
Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.
“I’ve got a bad, bad habit, baby”
There’s something I’ve been meaning to write about in public for a while now – I’ve saved draft after draft of unreleased paragraphs but something just doesn’t seem right. Or maybe I’m just not yet brave enough.
I’m not sure how to approach the topic with the finesse & sensitivity it needs, and without being hysterical after, about the judgment/comments I might get. Especially so now when I have this inkling that more people have been reading this space of mine since I first started it.. It’s like this pressure being put on me but the more I think about what’s been happening lately, the more I know I need to at least let myself be heard
It’s something I’ve never publicly spoken about either, and though it still haunts me to this very day, I never show how much it affects me to anyone. But as I watch it consume the people around me – acquantainces, friends; the people I care about – I want to shake them so hard, slap them across the face & scream some sense into them. Isabel Caro got sucked into the dark abyss of it & when she left us last year, that was the second time I wanted to speak out & against it, but cowardice took over me yet again. You won’t get the severity of it until you fall prey to it yourself, but when you do, finding your way out of it might just take too long. And I don’t want to see any of my friends on the losing end of it all.
So I’m still deciding, whether or not to open that Pandora’s Box all over again.
Should I? …Or shouldn’t I?
Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.
“Tonight I’ll be sleeping with my eyes wide shut”
If you’re a writer, write. Pour out all unspoken words onto paper; allow your innermost thoughts & emotions to flow through the ink of your pen to form your letters – letters to yourself, letters undelivered, letters meant to be read years down the road, when you can look back & appreciate how bittersweet this moment would feel. Keep on writing ’til the first signs of carpal tunnel; until you can write no more.
If you’re a smoker, smoke away. Buy a new pack or finish the last few sticks in your old one – every breath inhaled and every sliver of smoke exhaled might just slow you down from bursting like the pressure cooker you’re turning into. You know it’s bad for your physical health but if your mental health is at stake, do what you know you can to level things out inside of you.
If you’re a reader, read. Go to the library or the bookstore or take a seat at the park bench with a paperback; when reality seems too bleak & weary to be in, find your escape in the fictitious world created before you. Drown yourself in the words of others; put your feet into the shoes of those characters ‘cos hell, you’d rather be in anyone else’s but your own worn out shoes you’d wear when throwing yourself out to the world anyway.
If you’re a runner, run. Run far. Run hard. Keep running until that first break you need, to stop & catch your breath. Run until your legs are about to give way beneath you; when your heart’s pounding so loud you can’t even hear your own thoughts. But that’s good – keep those weary thoughts at bay, wipe the sweat off your brow and continue running.
If you’re a drinker, bring out those bottles. Or even if you’re not a drinker but you know that in the back of your head, a drink might just be what you need to pull you through – go right ahead. No one’s stopping you. Don’t even let your conscience take control – yes, you know this is just a temporary solution to numb yourself, but if a drink is what you need, don’t deny yourself of that temporary amnesia. Hell, as long as you don’t drink yourself to death, let yourself feel better for a while.
Laugh. Because nothing else would cure sadness better than laughter. Laugh because you think something’s funny; laugh with someone so you won’t have to hear the echo of only your laughter vibrate off the walls; laugh, even though you know you’re just laughing for the sake of it. Find someone with contagious laughter & spend some time with them to get infected. Laugh… Because we all know it’s good for you; it’s scientifically proven.
Love. Fret not over the love that was lost or the love that is broken because you will always love again. Build the trust that needs to be built with those you want to love and whom will love you for who you are. The simplest three words anyone can utter can make a difference to someone’s life. If you don’t know how to or you think you’ve forgotten the ropes, learn. Because love really is the universal language & currency, because life is worth loving and because people are worth loving, your self included.
Live. Live your life fast, fill it with your dreams & hopes; prove to yourself that your life is worth living. Every new day that you wake up to is a gift – to correct past mistakes, to make new memories, to love and to laugh. Even at your most worn out state of mind; if you’re still living, you have the chance to start afresh.
Breathe. Because every fresh breath of air inhaled is a free pass to healing yourself.
Xo
Posted with WordPress for Blackberry.
An afterthought, 