I find Oliver staring at me. “Do you miss Jess?”
“Yes. She was my friend.”
“Then why don’t you show it?”
“Why should I?” I ask, sitting up. “If I know I feel it, that’s what counts. Don’t you ever look at someone who’s hysterical in public and wonder if it’s because they really feel miserable or because they want others to know they’re miserable? It kind of dilutes the emotion if you display it for the whole world to see. Makes it less pure.”
House Rules, Jodi Picoult
There are places I can’t go to, films & shows I can’t re-watch, songs I can’t listen to, things I can’t do, old habits I can’t slip back into, strangers who look or sound like you whom I can’t talk to, food I can’t eat, emotions I can’t let myself feel, scents I turn away from, memories I suppress and thoughts I can’t think, because they remind me too much of the past –
And the pain that comes along with going through all that, just isn’t worth it.
I feel the dynamics in my relationships with people have shifted greatly without me noticing the gradual movement, until one day I find myself on a completely different island from them, with no connecting bridge whatsoever. Over the recent years I’ve come to terms with cutting people out of my life (and having me cut off from theirs) but I never expected to find myself in a situation where even the trusted handful would dwindle in numbers. I could take the sole blame for being completely out of sync with people these days – what with having a full-time job and progressing into a workaholic – but a small part of me can’t help thinking that maybe –
The fact that the frequency of all of our lives aren’t on the same wavelength anymore, it would have to take two hands to clap to make happen, no?
Or is this what you call a “natural progression”, when something has run its course…?
It’s 11 in the morning and I need a breather.
I miss you most in the morning
Most every morning
I wake up thinking
I could call;
I could come visit;
I could come running;
We could relive it
But when I think of all that we’ve been through,
Going back to you
Seems such a foolish thing to do
I hope you know –
That even if I don’t,
I wanted to
All those words you said at the ending
Were pretty revealing
And I can’t forget them
All those ways we missed at connecting,
Despite all our trying,
It always came back to –
What I couldn’t give you
So when I think of starting up again,
Or trying to be friends,
It seems impossible to do
That even if we can’t,
I wanted to
Who knows why
Two people perfectly aligned
Should ever have to find themselves apart
I’ll never understand my heart
I miss you –
Most in the morning,
Most every morning,
I wake up crying.
And that, is that.
The irony about the way some of us approach our relationships, is this –
Short term relationships seem to cut it better than long term relationships. I’m not only talking about lovers, I’m talking about relationships in general, friendships included. Some of us seem to open up better to strangers, or to people whom we know will be in our lives only a matter of weeks or a couple of months, yet we open up so freely to them; divulge in our inner, deeper selves; let loose the secrets in our Pandora boxes. It’s crazy, innit – to wear our hearts on our sleeves when with people we barely know? The beauty of it is that we know this relationship most likely has an expiry date, so anything & everything we confide will be forgotten in a matter of time. You won’t be seeing that person again soon, and you won’t be kicking yourself for letting yourself become so vulnerable at one point.
In that one moment or one night or however short a period your relationship with that person is, you trust them to such an extent you know you wouldn’t normally do to those you’re expected to trust.
And yet, when the time of separation looms near… You start to feel sad. A nagging sense of loss that you try to ignore. Hints of regret may come about, but mostly it’s just the part of knowing that you have this bond going on with a person that you know is bound to end someday.
But still, in that one short period of time, the thought of knowing you can somehow fully trust someone with no qualms whatsoever, and vice versa, is comforting. To say the least.
Pax et amor,
Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.
At first I was confused by what passed for love in this world: people were discarded because they were too old or too fat or too poor or they had too much hair or not enough hair; they were wrinkled, they had no muscles, no definition, no tone, they weren’t hip; they weren’t remotely famous. This was how you chose lovers. This was what decided friends. And I had to accept this if I wanted to get anywhere. When I looked over at Chloe, she shrugged. I observed the shrug. She mouthed the words Take… a… hike… On the verge of tears — because I was dealing with the fact that we lived in a world where beauty was considered an accomplishment —
I turned away and made a promise to myself: to be harder, to not care, to be cool.
Brett Easton Ellis, Glamorama