“Turn the radio up, push the pedal to the ground”

Oh sweet Lord. Upon reading some of my previous posts, I realized how utterly gloomy my little space here has become – I never intended it to be the  dark, depressing hole of emotions I think it’s becoming (or maybe it already is!) to the point where I get somewhat disgusted with myself for being this bare and volatile and emotionally-fueled.

Ugh.

I’m not this gloomy or dark all the time, I promise you. For those who know me, I can be a big bag of sunshine and rainbows, especially when I’m in an overdrive of hyperactivity. I have my off days, that’s for sure, and I think my daily routines have fallen into a mundane lull only because my current day job has made it out to be this way… Although I do worry sometimes that I may come off as boring to others. Do I? But it doesn’t bother me to the extent of keeping me up at night (I think. It’s a nightly battle between my mind and my thoughts, with the former trying to suppress the latter lot from surfacing) and I don’t need another trait of my personality to be an additional baggage of insecurity.

But to keep things ALIVE, I would have to write more often and on more.. interesting topics? But so help me, I just do not have that kinda time on my hands anymore. Coupled with my skills of procrastination – ha! To write about my everyday life or things that happen in my life, would go somewhat like this:

Work was the usual today. So much drama – too much drama – that I

… Yeah I can’t even narrate a proper post like that anymore.

So here’s some Eliza Doolitte to perk up your Friday –

Pax et amor,

“Just like stars burning bright, making holes in the night”

I’m not sure what doing this says about me, but I tend to count my minutes in the period of songs. As in, 6 minutes would mean approximately 2 songs, so I just have to turn on 2 songs on my iPod to get by an excruciating wait of 6 minutes. Like, waiting for the next train, or a tardy friend, or a booked cab. There’d be songs which would make time pass faster, and there are songs which make the wait worthwhile.

And then it made me ponder – what song would I play as my last? Like, if I were to die in the next 7 minutes, which songs would I plug myself into? Which song would you make your last to listen to?

Did I make sense here? Does anyone else do this too?

On a completely unrelated note, I’ll be watching Natalie Cole perform LIVE on our shores at the end of October for the Sun Festival. I will be in the same enclosed space as a legend. Just thinking about it makes me hyperventilate with excitement.

Pax et amor,


Zee Avi – Anchor/Insufflation

“You look at me; it’s like you hit me with lightning”

Memories are killing. So you must not think of certain things, of those that are dear to you, or rather you must think of them, for if you don’t there is the danger of finding them, in your mind, little by little. That is to say, you must think of them for a while, a good while, every day several times a day, until they sink forever in the mud.

Samuel Beckett

*

Tomorrow will be one of those days with the ultimate “make or break” moment. Keeping my fingers crossed that whatever happens, it’s only for the best and it’s not a step in the wrong direction.

Meanwhile, yes I’m still bitter about not being able to attend Paramore’s first ever concert here. Six years of wishing and hoping went down the drain officially last night when I was everywhere else but at the Indoor Stadium. Even listening to their songs or watching videos uploaded of the concert got painful for me.

On the bright side, it would’ve been worse if they played tracks from their demo days & I wasn’t there. Kinda prefer their songs from the B-sides; a whole lot of raw with a whole lot more heart.

Paramore – Just Like Me

“Pull your little arrows out; let me live my life”

So I gave it a week, for everything & everyone to work themselves out. You spend too much time tending to everyone else’s needs & fears so you won’t have to think about your own, but there will come a breaking point which makes you realize that as much as you love everyone else, if you keep on going full speed ahead, sweeping everything else under the rug but continue putting yourself out there for others, exhaustion will hit you full force.

And I daresay I’d rather have physical exhaustion any day over mental exhaustion.

I don’t mean to offend or come off dripping with condescension; I’m just torn between priorities. Case in point, right now I’m just too worried about a call that may or may not come, a call that would determine pretty much the next two years of my life, so yes my thoughts are rather distracted and would conflict with any more new thoughts.

And just a piece of general advice – when you can’t even please yourself or sort yourself out properly, you just tend to get too tired trying to mould yourself to fit around anyone and everyone else. So really, maybe one should just not bother.

Creep (Jazz cover)

“Fight fires in your best clothes, touch skin with your eyes closed”

28 days were  too short to make up the February that just went. Good times that lasted too short a time; now it’s another month into the year and so far the two New Year resolutions I made for myself have been broken, but that’s nothing new with resolutions, nor with me. Some people don’t believe in the power of resolutions, but when there’s motivation and determination to keep you in check, your goal can be achieved.

Again, nothing to do with me.

The third month into the year means less than 2 months until the official end of my academic life. For now, I hope. Looking for jobs – nay, a career more like, since it’s officially the beginning of that dreaded bricked road – is rather daunting when you’re only half-heartedly prepared to take that first step. When you’ve an unfulfilled life dream in mind that you’ve yet to achieve with everything else being uncertain, nothing tops the former.

The third month into the year also meant the departure of some friends to places across the ocean, & more friends to follow in upcoming months. Heartbreaking. Plus it’s dampening to think that in 5 years time, I’m still stuck in this concrete jungle when others have left, despite it being me all along who’s never changed her mind about wanting to leave this place.

Need: injection of self-faith and motivation.

Metric – The Twist