“Maybe I’m just dreaming out loud,”

*

Today marked four years since you left, and there is so much that I want to tell you about all that’s happened since and that I wish I could tell you, like the old days when I’d pop over for a visit just to sit down with you for an hour or two and tell you how my days were, knowing that you were the one person in the world whom I could trust to tell everything. Even when your state of mind had faltered and you were living mostly in the past; it didn’t matter that sometimes you didn’t understand what I’d be talking about – just being able to sit with you, having your hand in mine, my head on your lap and making me feel as if I was safe, right there and then, was all that mattered.

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“Your image, a compensation for me to hold”

Written in 1992

*

My Dearest Loving Wife, Normah,

Couldn’t find the one you originally wanted. So I got you another one. Wanted you to have this as a surprise for your birthday in November. But I am so excited and can’t hide it from you till Nov!

Hope you’ll like it. Don’t ask how much it costs. I want you to have this becoz (oh Dad, you were too cool back then) I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!

🙂

Always the charmer.

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“Crush your cigarettes out on an orange sky”

Your apology caught me off guard –

“She’s just four years old now and she’s feeling it. But I left you at home for most of those years. Did you go through what she’s going through now? Did you miss me that much? Now I feel what you were feeling, all those years. How did you manage it?”

“I just grew up. You made me grow up.”

“I’m sorry.”

I had always pictured this scenario to play out differently. That I would watch (and possibly take delight in) your expression of weary pain as I unravel into a messy heap of frustrated tears. That urge came up & out of the pit of my stomach for a split second before I pushed it back down, burying it deeper.

You apologized, and I accepted it but you’re about nineteen years too late. Acceptance does not mean forgiveness. Maybe some time from now I would find it in me to tear down all those grudges from over the years. But not now.

I’m sorry, but this is what you’ve finally made of me.

“Run from them with no direction; we’ll run from them with no conviction”

Right, so I haven’t exactly been writing about  my daily activities but they’re nothing out of the ordinary so I wouldn’t want to bore anyone, self included, to tears. My life has been pretty much routine for 4 months now, especially so from Mondays to Fridays cos it’s literally just a 9-hour day at work, and then either straight home or out with some friends. Even with the latter, it’s nothing exceptional; either coffee, dinner or the occasional club jaunts.  Just that since I’m so out of the loop recently, what with being in a totally different internship program and all, I haven’t really made the time nor effort to say howdy-do to people who used to make my daily laughter.

Oops, my bad.

And then there’s the bunch of old friends whom I see less often but we all still have merry times, nonetheless.

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“For you, I’d bleed myself dry”

You’ve broken my heart into smithereens so fine as dust, there is no possible way for you, or anyone else to piece everything back together. You keep pushing the boundaries endlessly; do you not see the limit to how much we can take? Is this some sort of fucking sick game that you like to play?

You’re no longer my Superman, the one who had the strength to overcome even the mightiest of obstacles.

You’re a monster, taking everyone down with you.

After a lifetime of trying never to disappoint you, of always seeking your approval even in the most trivial & stupidest of things like the way I look and talk, who knew that you could make me the most disappointed in all the 19 years I’ve lived.

I’ve had enough of this masquerade of strength.