“Maybe I’m just dreaming out loud,”

*

Today marked four years since you left, and there is so much that I want to tell you about all that’s happened since and that I wish I could tell you, like the old days when I’d pop over for a visit just to sit down with you for an hour or two and tell you how my days were, knowing that you were the one person in the world whom I could trust to tell everything. Even when your state of mind had faltered and you were living mostly in the past; it didn’t matter that sometimes you didn’t understand what I’d be talking about – just being able to sit with you, having your hand in mine, my head on your lap and making me feel as if I was safe, right there and then, was all that mattered.

“This will all make sense, in good time”

A little dose of lexapro goes a long, long way.

May tomorrow bring clearer thoughts.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

“Your image, a compensation for me to hold”

Written in 1992

*

My Dearest Loving Wife, Normah,

Couldn’t find the one you originally wanted. So I got you another one. Wanted you to have this as a surprise for your birthday in November. But I am so excited and can’t hide it from you till Nov!

Hope you’ll like it. Don’t ask how much it costs. I want you to have this becoz (oh Dad, you were too cool back then) I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!

🙂

Always the charmer.

“Crush your cigarettes out on an orange sky”

Your apology caught me off guard –

“She’s just four years old now and she’s feeling it. But I left you at home for most of those years. Did you go through what she’s going through now? Did you miss me that much? Now I feel what you were feeling, all those years. How did you manage it?”

“I just grew up. You made me grow up.”

“I’m sorry.”

I had always pictured this scenario to play out differently. That I would watch (and possibly take delight in) your expression of weary pain as I unravel into a messy heap of frustrated tears. That urge came up & out of the pit of my stomach for a split second before I pushed it back down, burying it deeper.

You apologized, and I accepted it but you’re about nineteen years too late. Acceptance does not mean forgiveness. Maybe some time from now I would find it in me to tear down all those grudges from over the years. But not now.

I’m sorry, but this is what you’ve finally made of me.

“Run from them with no direction; we’ll run from them with no conviction”

Right, so I haven’t exactly been writing about  my daily activities but they’re nothing out of the ordinary so I wouldn’t want to bore anyone, self included, to tears. My life has been pretty much routine for 4 months now, especially so from Mondays to Fridays cos it’s literally just a 9-hour day at work, and then either straight home or out with some friends. Even with the latter, it’s nothing exceptional; either coffee, dinner or the occasional club jaunts.  Just that since I’m so out of the loop recently, what with being in a totally different internship program and all, I haven’t really made the time nor effort to say howdy-do to people who used to make my daily laughter.

Oops, my bad.

And then there’s the bunch of old friends whom I see less often but we all still have merry times, nonetheless.

“For you, I’d bleed myself dry”

You’ve broken my heart into smithereens so fine as dust, there is no possible way for you, or anyone else to piece everything back together. You keep pushing the boundaries endlessly; do you not see the limit to how much we can take? Is this some sort of fucking sick game that you like to play?

You’re no longer my Superman, the one who had the strength to overcome even the mightiest of obstacles.

You’re a monster, taking everyone down with you.

After a lifetime of trying never to disappoint you, of always seeking your approval even in the most trivial & stupidest of things like the way I look and talk, who knew that you could make me the most disappointed in all the 19 years I’ve lived.

I’ve had enough of this masquerade of strength.

Protected: “It’s not my home, it’s their home, and I’m welcome no more”

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“But you won’t take away my pride.”

so apparently i’m not considered when it comes to making decisions anymore. you just make them how you want to; you don’t even tell me directly, I have to find out from word of mouth. so is this how everything has disintegrated to be? despite me making my best efforts, trying to piece everyone back together, this is the corner i’m shoved to, in the end?

that’s just fine. so you pick out my flaws but deliberately miss the bigger picture.

thank you, for nothing.

“Swoosh!”

Uncanny isn’t it? I’ve passed my spontaneous spaz genes on to her! 😀

Practicality – somewhere between Frugality & Extravagance

I am anxious about the global financial crisis which is currently hitting us today. At first it just seemed like a temporary phase, one which would turn around again once the US presidential elections are over (Obama & Biden; Democrat FTW!). Initially it affected us only when it came to changing USD to SGD, as the rates had plummetted from an average of 1.5 to 1.3 = less SGD, less spending power.

This may all come off as superficial, about me having less to spend, but maybe I’d like to keep it that way, instead of everything being turned topsy turvy on a major scale. That this is all because of the instability in the US, or some corruption in major financial markets but everything’d turn out fine. That we wouldn’t have to worry about inflations or recessions, terms which were once so alien to me merely five years ago. Or even if we did slip into hard times, Singapore’d be ace enough to pull itself and its economy back up, asap.

But then came the announcement today which made Singapore officially a victim of the recession. To be more precise, the first Asian country to declare its economy in recession. The GDP has been declining at an alarming rate, but because of
(a) its heavy reliance on tourism & trade, and
(b) the global financial crisis which are affecting key export markets in US & Europe, Singapore is so sensitive to any negative effect on foreign markets, even tiny slips.

And boy, the slips aren’t tiny this time round.

To put it simply, this would put Singapore in a stage of inflation, and God help us, its not like things are exactly cheap here anyway. Every day expenses which we all take for granted may go on the rise; I’ve already received a text reminder from Father about buying what I need now, and not what I want. This goes for household needs to – buy what I may actually use, not just chuck into one corner of the cabinet/fridge.

I am just glad the materialistic side of my Birthday has been more or less fulfilled.

A line from a blogger friend of mine, “tomorrow’s hundred dollars could be worth today’s one dollar“, really put things into almost accurate perspective.

I have to start prioritising.

This literally means cutting down on unnecessary expenses of any kind, especially specialty goods (I can’t go cold turkey all at once so its a start). Doing up a list for grocery shopping so I won’t end up mindlessly grabbing things off shelves. Possibly making my own brown bag lunches again like I did the last year.

Now that Dad isn’t employed yet, things have got to be tight and I’ve to make a change in my lifestyle; it’s not an option. I pray all went well for the interview and even at this moment, his name is on the top of their “To Hire” list. I can’t even think about going to France right now, what more going on a tour around Europe before actually settling down into an apartment there. Seriously, I don’t like or want to be the sourpuss here but if its no problem for you then by all means, go ahead. I’m not being prudent, I’m being practical.

The only upside of the financial crisis we’re facing now that I can think of is that with the Euro weakening, it’d be cheaper to change some of my SGD now, no?