There are days when –

Delete. Pause. 
Try again. 

I have never felt this ominous sense of dread before; what has been washing over me every single morning in the recent weeks. The lack of drive that hits me when I open my eyes in the mornings has happened before, but not this intensely. The only continuous period this didn’t happen was 2 weeks ago, when I physically woke up thousands of miles away. Mentally, I was still consumed. But it helped that I was elsewhere.

This black hole; this vortex, feels familiar. It’s –


Being worn down by mental conflict. The edges being chipped away at slowly, the pieces crumbling bit by bit. I just let them. The only comfort – ha – is how this destruction isn’t visible to the naked eye.

‘How are you doing?’
You look tired.’
But you can do this – you’re capable. I/we believe in you.’

Expectations that were built and set without my knowledge, without my permission. When your levels of capabilities and confidence are built on false pretense, and the ground beneath you gives way upon the weariness.

I should have upped and left when I had the chance. Pursued what I truly wanted.

But were you even sure?

Perhaps this is the learning curve everyone talks about – the one that leads to your moment of extreme failure, before you rise up again. Because success doesn’t come without failure.

But what if –

Don’t be a pessimist. You are not a quitter. 

Or are you?