“Maybe I’m just dreaming out loud,”

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Today marked four years since you left, and there is so much that I want to tell you about all that’s happened since and that I wish I could tell you, like the old days when I’d pop over for a visit just to sit down with you for an hour or two and tell you how my days were, knowing that you were the one person in the world whom I could trust to tell everything. Even when your state of mind had faltered and you were living mostly in the past; it didn’t matter that sometimes you didn’t understand what I’d be talking about – just being able to sit with you, having your hand in mine, my head on your lap and making me feel as if I was safe, right there and then, was all that mattered.

I would kiss your feet, time & again to ask for forgiveness because there are no boundaries to how much I feel indebted to you. For giving me life, for giving me a purpose to live. I wouldn’t hesitate to sit down with you once more, to soothe out the deep wrinkles from your forehead, arms & feet, to make you the most comfortable. To keep reminding you not to peel at your dry skin or the dried wounds from various injections that you cried when being given. To listen to you talk of the olden days, to let you catch me by surprise when you abruptly stop talking to look at me, to tell me how much I resembled your daughter. Your favourite phrase about me was most probably the one about me being fair, beautiful & fair, just like your own daughter.

I had a dream about you a while ago; I couldn’t remember if you actually spoke in it, but it was almost too vivid to be forgotten the next morning. In it, you were drowning in the ocean. You were drowning, and drifting further away from my grip. You were drowning, and I couldn’t save you. You were drowning, I could see the forlorn look on your face, but I could only weep & stare back helplessly. You were drowning, and I didn’t do anything. It was almost like its snapping me into reality, how I’ve lost you.

I feel like a failure, without you telling me what to do, how to live life. Not to forget my prayers, never accept candy from strangers. Always lock the door at night, study hard in school & succeed in life. The simplest of advice but only from you, do I seriously heed it, because I wanted to make you proud of the granddaughter you’ve taken care of. The one you’ve watched grow up to be the lady she is today.

I still need you. I feel incomplete without having you to turn to. Sometimes I hate myself for feeling selfish, for foolishly thinking that you’d be with me forever. A day hasn’t gone by in the last four years when you hadn’t crossed my mind at least once, when my heart hadn’t ached for you; I haven’t stopped missing nor loving you any less since you left.

I still find myself looking for you sometimes. I miss your voice, your laughter, that unique amusement about you, that twinkle in your grey eyes. I miss your touch, I miss your hugs. I miss you, far more than anyone can and ever will comprehend. You were my grandmother, my mother, my father, my family all in one. You were my best friend.

I miss you so much, Nyai. 

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