“I fought the war, but the war won”

2010 Memory – Love

The relationship didn’t start in 2010, but the part where I realized I had dug a hole in the ground & buried myself in that hole – the hole being a rather apt metaphor for love – makes 2010 a year to remember.

I don’t fall in love easily. In fact, I’m not actually certain that the previous times I’d thought I’d been in love with someone, counted as much to be as real. The bane of it outweighs the beautiful side of it for me, so to speak. I was never good at relationships; depending on someone, trusting someone and knowing that someone is always going to be by my side.. all that just never sat well with me. They still don’t, but I guess falling in love and learning how to deal with it is a gradual process, something that doesn’t happen overnight. I never could understand the term “love at first sight”, that spark that we see in movies when a man catches the eye of a woman from across the room and both are able to think to themselves, “this is it. He/she’s the one.” Lust, maybe. Infatuation? I think so. But definitely not love.

I guess the mistake of it, was that we’d pieced the puzzle deliberately, right from the beginning, instead of letting the pieces fall together and fit themselves around each other spontaneously. It was predictable to begin with, and maybe it just came full circle, how the ending didn’t come as much of a surprise.

Up until this moment, I still question myself and everyone else around me – “do we really know what love is?” Do our parents? Is their love truly an everlasting one or does every relationship sour with time, after the point of precipitation? Does love only exist as an obligation after lust, or is it merely a web of deception that we subconsciously weave ourselves into?

That defining moment, when I knew that my heart belonged with this man I had been with for the whole eight months before that moment of epiphany, struck me in the most unexpected manner. I was in the shower, for Christ’s sake, mulling over a decision I had to make – how and when the both of us would come to terms with the mountain that had been built in the room that was our relationship. A mountain built of ego, discomfort, doubts; all those unresolved issues, which we had just chosen to shove under the rug right from the start. It had finally come to a point where we were standing on either side of the mountain and could not see the other unless the mountain was torn down.

So in that shower, with my eyes closed, I listed all the reasons why we were never meant to be, from trivial character traits to unsolvable problems. Unfortunately, that list triumphed the handful of flimsy excuses I was hanging on to, to keep us alive. I remember being so close to deciding it wasn’t worth it, but for a split second I tried to envision my future without him… and I couldn’t. Whether he would be a lover or a friend, I couldn’t just throw the image of him out of the window and pull the shutters down. Some people (the irrational side of me, included) speak of love itself not being the rational reason to hold on to something that was falling apart, but at that particular moment in my life, I knew that if I loved this person, I would have to fight for us to stay alive.

Unfortunately though, when push came to shove, our rational alter egos got the better of us. I could also blame him for not fighting as hard as I wished he would, but it came to a point where we were faced with the truth of things – it wasn’t that we fell out of love, we were just doing what we thought was best.

And so after eight months and 29 days into the relationship, we called it quits.

It’s not true though, what we considered was the “best”. We came out of the war with casualties on both ends, though I can’t speak the same for him when I say that the wounds inflicted on my side are still open, still healing.

It’s not that if I was given the opportunity, I would go back to what was, in a heartbeat. At the same time, I’d be lying if I said I had never wished for time to turn back. Maybe I’ve been too jaded by the crumbled relationships I had witnessed in my entire lifetime, to actually believe that a crack wouldn’t grow into an irreparable tear. But with age, comes experience. And with experience, come the inevitable mistakes we make. And it’s these mistakes which we learn from, to build ourselves better as a person, to continue trudging on.

Not to forget memories, per se, but rather just hold on to them as keepsakes, and to make new ones as we go.

Pax et amor,

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