“But I’ve drifted way too far; my arms, my legs have grown too tired”

*

John Mayer – Half of My Heart


I know my own self enough to know that I am a semi-perfectionist. A paradox at first glimpse and hear, but it goes like this –

When I commit myself to something; anything, I give it almost everything I have. My devotion, my focus, my efforts. Unless of course from the very beginning I realize that it’s not worth investing even my time in, then I wouldn’t bother to even try. I’d just do it for the sake of getting it done, or making it work. The process that begins with hesitation and reluctance, usually ends up with sleepless nights because I’m too focused in putting my all into something, into making that something perfect and worthwhile. To be able to say in the end that “hey, I’ve tried. I gave my all. If it fails, then so be it.” But I don’t regret all that time and effort I put in; they weren’t wasted, they just didn’t reap the results I was looking for.

If you know me as a student, same analogy goes for my projects/assignments (it’s the most accurate comparison I can come up with right now)… What starts off as being flippant, ends up being a work of commitment. Strong commitment & hard efforts which would render me physically & mentally exhausted, but triumphant & with little regrets in the end.

The “semi” bit only comes in if, & when, realization hits that I can never get the results that I want. Which then leads to me giving up the entire thing and being flippant, but with little regrets, all over again.

So that’s me. I don’t put in long periods of time and nights of anxiety for no reason. I may come off indifferent, but God only knows how my interior & exterior beings are on extreme ends of a spectrum. If I’m staying put for this long a time, it only makes sense that I’ve already begun my process of commitment. And committed I will be, until I see a glimpse of the points of failure. Which is when, I will wash my hands off everything & leave it as it is.

Maybe I’m seeing glimpses of those failure points now. But for some reason, I’m keeping up at it, I’m going for it until the end. I’m struggling to push away every bit of doubt but the moment I triumph over each one, a new one settles in.

So you tell me. Is this worth it?

Because I do not want to look like a fool. I do not want to be made a fool. I played my cards right; this was my game to begin with. Bad karma I guess, since the tables are slowly turning, but I believe I still have enough pride to be able to choose to wash my hands off everything & to walk away.

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