It’s odd (isn’t it always?),
when you start putting someone else on a pedestal – not so much as idolizing them, but more of putting them in a position as a personal role model for you – you build all these expectations which you know are too perfect to be true, but you can’t help doing it partly because you need an example of what’s the right person to be, the kind of skin to grow into, the traits you’d want to embody when you grow up. At the back of your mind though, you’re well aware that these expectations could very well crumble because they’re nothing but facades; creations of your own delusion and a disgust at your own imperfections, but you push that voice of neutral reason away because you desperately want to believe that morals, values and perfection do exist, and that you personally know of a living, breathing example
So when that voice of neutral reason finally triumphs over your naivety and you start to see the other person for who they really are – vices, imperfections, et al – there’s a large part of you that gets torn up & tormented by disappointment. ‘Cos you start to believe that there’s no right nor wrong anymore. You no longer look at the person the same way; there’s no more Big Dipper to guide you home
You then start to discover that the self-deception you’ve spun all along is unraveling, that everyone else is either a reflection of yourself or that you are just a twisted manifestation of someone & everyone else
When your role model fails you (albeit unknowingly), you fail your own self.
It could’ve been the slightest slip of a tongue or action, but you find yourself struggling to register that one bit of imperfection into understanding & sense
We’re all just swimmers in a pool of our own contradictions; our words make up the water particles, our ignorance causes the ripples. We’re still bobbing on the surface, not drowning, not just yet.