It doesn’t feel real, you not being around us anymore. If you only knew all the drama that went on for the past year, you would’ve shrieked in delight & gasped with your true innocence. Or, you being the person that I knew, would’ve just given each & everyone the benefit of the doubt and not take any sides at all.
I don’t say it often; ‘out of sight and out of mind’, they say. I couldn’t & didn’t grief enough for you because I was grieving another bigger loss of mine, but your absence still tore a hole in my being. Did you hear me coming in & out of the room, running from one floor to another cos I didn’t want to lose a moment with either of you? Did you hear my last words to you; my sincerest apology? We all didn’t want to point fingers & we all were taken aback by your family’s last thoughts of us, but you know what – I don’t blame them, I blame myself more than anyone else. Did I put you through what you went through? Did I make you do what you did?
If anyone in this world deserved my sincerest form of apology, you would make my list of top 3.
You were my first friend, dammit. In a completely new world with completely different people, you were special because you were my very first friend in there.
I started off calling you by your initials cos it’s just my nature to forget names I can hardly pronounce; that nickname stuck ever since even though you rolled your eyes when I first called you that.
I try not to regret much in my life but I kick myself over & again for not trying harder to reach out to you. We had our dream of flying; that dream of mine has died since & I feel selfish for that cos it was your dream & you can’t live it so naturally I should take the opportunity, but what’s the point? Things change. Things have changed, since you left.
I hold no rotten memories of you; there never was a beacon of light that shone brighter than you did, and there never will be because you were my brightest beacon. You never complained, you never fretted; you had this entirely positive outlook on everything & everyone that even though at times I scoffed at your naivety, I loved being around you cos you made everything seem so much better.
My photographic memory allows me to remember almost every moment of your last birthday with us. Your last birthday. I remember the cupcakes, where we sat to celebrate; everything, right down to the clothes you wore.
You would’ve been 19 today, & I would’ve bought you 19 of your favourite sweet foods if you wanted it.
You may not be flying as a Singapore Girl, but baby you are flying higher & way beyond anyone of us can ever fly right now.
I don’t think I can ever meet another person as genuine as you, & I am truly honoured to have been able to have built a friendship with you.
We miss you, do you know that?
I miss you.