“Keep your feet on the ground, when your head’s in the clouds”

I know I’m not the best example of a Muslim to anyone, but it really hurts when someone doubts my ability at regaining my faith and strengthening it through practice. Is it really that ridiculous when I say I recited the Yaasin almost every day for 2 months because I felt I was losing myself? Is it really that ridiculous and laughable when I say that I do intend to go on my pilgrimage before I die?

I really don’t think anyone should be smug about it, especially in my face.

I am a Muslim. At most, I am an Agnostic Muslim if you want to be specific about it, though that is actually an oxymoron in itself as you may point out that Agnostics believe there is no proof in the existence of God but does not deny the possibility of His existence; or maybe I’m what you’d call a Cultural Muslim.

I’m not the best example of a Muslim, I’m entirely aware of that. I don’t pray five times a day, I don’t believe in a lot of the Sharia’ laws and I consume alcohol. I support same sex marriages, I believe in the power of gender equality and I have no qualms to inter-faith marriages. I don’t wear a hijab because I know I’m not ready for that level of faith just yet, and I don’t want to be a walking hypocrite who portrays modesty but sins at the same time. I do believe in sexual abstinence, but I do not follow the rule of no intimacy between opposite genders.

I’m not the person anyone should come to when they want to ask about specific practices and beliefs of my faith; my own personal perspectives of them are what you would call hazy, which I credit to (but not blame) my upbringing. Coupled with that, my thirst for knowledge & justification. I read on other religions, I understand the general history of the world’s three main religions & I question myself endlessly in my thoughts about the truth about Islam because of how they’re being portrayed.

The more I read, the more questions I come up with, the more confused & distraught I become.

What is the truth, and who speaks it?

I have been scribbling down my thoughts and random questions on pieces of paper within reach at any time of the day, whenever my thoughts are jolted into the topic of religion. More specifically, my religion. I have faith, I really do; I believe in the existence of God, I believe in the existence of the Prophets, I believe in the existence of the Apocalypse, I believe in the words of the Qur’an. What I don’t believe in, are the practices of radical Islam extremists, the condemning of apostasy & the ritual of honor killings, the idea of violence & hatred “in the name of God” and I definitely do not believe in the truth value of certain claims made by majority of the staunch Muslim world & its radical leaders of today.

I can spark a conversation with anyone about this, and would really love to actually, but that is only if the responding party is not self-righteous nor narrow-minded in their beliefs.

Do not question my faith point blank in my face if you do not want me to come up with a tirade of contradictions that most people epitomize. I am not perfect, I still struggle in my own personal jihad with my inner self and I do not appreciate anyone telling me what I must & musn’t do, when our differences in upbringing & environment are self-explanatory enough.

Besides, you’re not perfect enough yourself to joke about my faith either are you?

Bitch please, you’re only being as ignorant as you say I am.


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