“I was told, my soul was old”

I won’t lie; I’ve honestly considered legal emancipation before. The moment I turned officially legal to make my own decisions, that was the first thing that came to mind. Especially since how a week right after my birthday I had to fork out a hefty sum just so lawyers won’t come knocking on the door and take the house away or something.

Yes, it’s come to that.

I always had hope we’d mend ourselves. Sew our frayed stitches one by one; slowly, maybe, we’d come full circle again. And have things like before. Feel complete, for the first time in a long time. We had our problems, sure, but no matter how complex or granduous they seemed, I kept being told, and I kept telling myself, things will get better. People have told me, this is nothing. I read of other people’s problems that seemed so much worse than ours, so I continued hoping.

But all these positive thoughts seem increasingly impossible to cling on to, with time.  I don’t have a future because of you. I have to do what I have to do; what I’m expected to do, instead of what I want to, because of you. She’s crying to me and not sleeping, because of you. We’re crying to sleep, because of you.

It doesn’t help that issues threatening to tear us apart for good are coming to our doorstep, one after the other.

I was a princess. I was a goddamned princess who never felt the burden of providing shelter, who had a delusion that everything would work itself out because I never thought the worst could ever happen. Those were stories you read in the news or in magazines; they don’t acually happen to people like us.

It shouldn’t have, but somehow you made the nightmare possible. Bluntly put, you’ve made me tremendously financially & emotionally bruised over all these years. And I want to break free, so desperately.

I’m tired of pretending that each night, I’m coming home. Because in reality, I’m just making my way to a concrete space with walls that has lost its vigour and spirit, just so I can sleep at night. I feel like we’ve lost our souls, and we’re just mindless physical beings in search of a solution to make this all better.

Legal emancipation still sounds sweet, but after all that I’ve lost in the past year, it seems a bit pointless to do this. Besides, all that shit that comes after my official signature are sure to haunt me for the longest time possible.

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