Last night was very thought provoking.
In the sense that it suddenly felt as if there were millions of things to deal with, & it seemed measurably overwhelming. Taking it a step at a time didn’t even help; it’s not something you think you can throw to tomorrow to deal with. Maybe it stems from something rooted within, something you can’t let go of. Memories, maybe. The happy, beautiful ones; like freshly collected pearls strung together on a fine, strong thread. The thread you wear around your neck & sub-consciously fiddle with, to remind yourself or what you had.
The bits of sand in between – well, it’s never too much of a task to brush them away.
Separation was never easy to deal with. Change, is another challenge. Refusing to face these two straight on had always been a habit, taking instead the alternative route and delving in oblivion & futile wishing. The third phase of acceptance isn’t easy, but somewhat more manageable. Although wandering bits of ‘why’ & ‘how’ appear, accepting what was happening was the best way of forgetting & moving a step forward, maybe two.
But the fourth phase; memory, still bites hardest on the ass, pulling you back three miles.
Maybe, it wasn’t memory.
Maybe, it’s only me.
Or maybe it was more of over-dependence; over-reliance, if you wish. The pillars that you began with, have now been demolished & are used to build different pillars. Pillars protecting another, shielding another.
How do I say this easily?
I miss them. I really do.