So I had my interview determining my internship for the next six months just a day ago. I was queasy before it, and still queasy after. I never liked interviews; with my attention span and tendency to drift my focus killing any positive opportunity for me, I tend to end up screwing up in some way or another. Which I did, no doubt. Most times I ask myself what happened to confidence that I once exuded, and I come up blank. I ask myself about my future, and I come up blank. I come at a juncture in life that determines my next stage, and I come up blank deciding which path to take.
I hate coming up blank. I used to be so purposeful, so determined, so full of dreams. The one dream that never wavered involved taking a one-way ticket to anywhere else but here without telling anyone about it (except maybe those essential people who’d help me Googlemap if I get lost)
With all my will & purpose for life stolen away from me, this dream is the one thing that is keeping me going. It’s the one thing a dreamer is allowed to have when she no longer knows what’s in it for her, what’s to come for her down the road. I don’t see where I’d be in life when I’m 24, hell I don’t even know what’s to happen when I graduate in less than a year. Everyone’s telling me, do something useful with your life, jumpstart your career. Earn enough money because money buys you happiness. But money doesn’t buy you happiness, it just creates a delusion of satisfaction & content; money alone does not create fulfillment. Everyone’s telling me, further your studies & I really do want to but I have no means to do it nor the courage or motivation to pick myself up and push myself to achieve something.
This is what happens when someone has told you that “you will never see the doors of a University”. Even if it was said in a state of anger, every angry word lashed out is still surely the birth of some truth rooted somewhere. When someone else loses confidence in you, you lose confidence in yourself. There’s nothing worse that can crush a human spirit than the loss of one’s faith in one’s self. I hear people telling me to just complete my education, get a good career and stick out my middle finger to the rest of the world because I will own it some day. And I will have the last triumphant laugh.
I hear people telling me that because they want me to believe in it, but tell me how can I possibly do so when most days, I don’t even know what I’m waking up in the mornings for anymore.
Sometimes we ask ourselves – who are we saving, at the end of the day?
Here’s to a good end to the week.