it is scary, what one is capable of doing. and knowing what you are capable of doing is even scarier than that. the thoughts that you’re thinking, the voices that you’re hearing that you know do not exist elsewhere.
i try not to question my faith. and the Greater Being. the Big Boss. who He is, what He does, why He does it. to ask, is in a way, questioning. doubting. trying to find a reason that isn’t there, that you can’t find. but of late, it has felt like my own faith is being put to a test. my faith in myself, in others, in Him. i believe; that i do. but are You trying to punish me? is this test, this doubt, these questions, these thoughts… are they obstacles You’ve set out for me to conquer? if they are, why are You doing this, when you know that my confidence in my whole being is weak, considering the extreme lack of foundation? in times of need, i do pray yet sometimes i don’t deserve to be answered. but it is those times, that i want to be; i need to be heard and be responded to. i need to be shown something. i need to be given proof, to be given something to believe and trust in. to have faith in.
i need to be strong for others. to do that, i need to find my own strength. please help me do so.