Flickr set: Zee Avi LIVE @ TAB 2011

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I started a new job, left it and embarked on a whole new other career. Feels weird when I tell people that I’ve been employed thrice in a span of 2 years cos it makes me sound like an unreliable douche who can’t stick to something for long – this feeling comes from the expressions these people have on their faces, and sometimes they don’t even mask it cos they’d tend to exclaim “you’re in ANOTHER job?!” making me feel like an even bigger douche – but I like to reassure myself that I’m still young; I still have places to go and life decisions to make. Mövenpick wasn’t a mistake, or at least it didn’t start out that way, but five months down the road, the thought of being desk-bound to a dead-end administrative Human Resources job just didn’t cut it for me. Coupled with a schizophrenic Manager whose mood depends on whether her long term boyfriend was in town for a lay – as mean as that sounds, sadly, it is true – and I was soon scouring the Classifieds for another job. I made some really good friends in Mövenpick though, and it felt amazing to be under the tutelage of my mentor from my internship once again.

And so I landed myself in this new job. A whole different field, a different job scope; a whole new ball game. Four months in, and they’re already considering me for a promotion… although I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet. If I look back on myself in 2011 and 2010, a part of me feels sad that I’ve left my carefree, 20-year old self behind. The girl who’d hit the nightlife at least once a week, who’d split from the office at 6pm sharp cos she had other plans with her friends, the girl who could still catch up on her social life without feeling left behind as the black working sheep adult. I do still prioritize special occasions over work on some rare days, but 2011 was a game-changer for me. I started being more financially responsible, didn’t complain (as much) about being the breadwinner and having to pay off the house bills.. Which 21 year old does that these days? Especially in a part of Asia where kids still live under their parents’ roofs until they get hitched, and sometimes still get allowances from their almost-retiring folks (this irks me to no end, I mean c’mon people – grow a responsible pair) and get their folks to pay off for their life’s little luxuries, like a car. As much as I’d love a new ride of my own (despite my fear of driving), I think certain things in life are good only when you’ve earned them yourself, no?

Or maybe that’s just me and my traditional mindset.

I finally got over a lost love – this was a major strike for me. Took me about a year, what with the hot & cold moments we blew in each other’s direction, but all that finally ended.. Oddly, on the night of my birthday celebration. I guess when people say that you need the ultimate closure to get over a relationship – be it a proper talk, a final kiss, whathaveyou – these people were right. And I got that. And all was right in my world again. I haven’t seen him since that night – aside from attending a mutual friend’s birthday party yet barely saying more than a sentence to each other – and I’m almost completely sure that emotional chapter in my life has closed.

I also lost my last two blood grandparents last year. I say blood, because up until about 2006, I had 7 living grandparents – 3 maternal (an additional grandma when my granddad remarried), 2 paternal and 2 from my step mother. And since then, they’ve slowly passed on, with both my paternal passing on last year within a few days short of a month from each other. I like to think that their lives were so intertwined, one couldn’t survive for long without the other. I was never close to them, thanks to the complicated family feud I’ve grown up in, and now I only have my step grandma from my maternal side, living alone in a tiny 2-room apartment.. I should visit her some time.

And liked it or not.. I turned 21. Before September of last year, I had this unexplainable fear of hitting that age because I never saw my life past it. I’ve told a handful of friends about it but I don’t think anyone actually took me seriously. Until this day, I can’t pinpoint what I was afraid of exactly, but I remember losing sleep the entire week of 25th September 2011. I kept thinking that if I’d closed my eyes on the night of the 28th, I wouldn’t be able to open them the next morning. It was like some sort of jinx that I had convinced myself of, that I wouldn’t live past turning 21. But I woke up the next morning, and the morning after… and I’m still awake now; it’s been a bit more than 5 months. Maybe the ominous feeling I had was just a warning that I’d leave my old, juvenile self behind; I don’t really know. I’m still plagued by this constant fear though, which… I shan’t speak of any longer to avoid coming off as a paranoid lunatic.

Every year, people make resolutions. I try to make them, but after a while, I’d think – why only make resolutions at the beginning of the year? Is it some sort of obligation that you have to do, and then beat yourself up after for not sticking to them? The cliched ones would be “lose weight” or “fall in love” or something along those lines. Sure, both of them are on my list (yet again) but my top few would be to have more faith (in myself, in the people around me and in life), to be more positive, to not let anger get the best of my days and to be content.

Too much to ask for? Let’s hope not.

Here’s to hoping 2012 would be an amazing year.

Pax et amor,
♥

So much for wanting to close that chapter.

Oy vey.

And the pain that comes along with going through all that, just isn’t worth it.

“There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You’d think the realists would find the realists and dreamers would find the dreamers, but more often than not, the opposite is true.

You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists… Well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.”

- Punkin Chunkin, Modern Family

I need to find my realist.

The fact that the frequency of all of our lives aren’t on the same wavelength anymore, it would have to take two hands to clap to make happen, no?

Or is this what you call a “natural progression”, when something has run its course…?

It’s 11 in the morning and I need a breather.

“And some days were good, and some days were bad, and then there was a whole lotta other days in between that really weren’t anything at all.

Just existence. Just getting the job done.”

– Lisa Gardner, Hide

Go on, read the article.

And then scroll down through the comments – I won’t be surprised if you’re left feeling as disgusted as I was, at some people’s blatant ignorance, lack of values and hatred.

Notice that this "jbronner1972" keeps commenting.. Obviously someone has too much free time on his hands.

This is what frustrates me -

Everyone has differing views and opinions on religion; yes I am fully aware of that. But whether or not you’re a devout follower of your faith, you’d agree that religion plays a major role in one’s spiritual fulfilment and their closeness to God. Whether you’re a Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Baha’i… Religion relates your humanity to your spirituality. Religion, regardless of which, teaches us about love, peace and unity.

So tell me – where does the hate come in? How did the poison of hatred manage to be successfully bred among us? How did we grow up hating other people, just because they have different religious beliefs than we do?

I’m not a devout Muslim. I don’t practice it as piously as I should, I have forgotten most of the teachings of the religious school and classes I had gone to as a child, I don’t even believe in some of the “rules” that were laid out for me while growing up in a Muslim environment. I don’t believe that I couldn’t do certain things or act a certain way or dress a certain way, “because I am a Muslim“. I question the interpretations from religious teachers of the Qur’an, solely because the meanings are almost always taken out of context and history has proven how ridiculous and twisted some of these “interpretations” have become.

But religion has taught me one thing – not to be ignorant.

Declaring your love for your religion is admirable, and everyone's entitled to their own opinions, but to say that it is "the greatest" during times when religion is such a sensitive topic? Don't know about 'plug1', but I'd like to live a bit longer, thanks.

I view everything with an open mind; I feed myself with the knowledge of other religions so I can understand them better, not from a biased point of view but with the rationality of my own judgement. Of course, if I ever voice out my own opinions on Islam and other religions, I find myself being whipped with backlash by other people (primarily my Dad and/or other folks who grew up with the traditional thinking of how religion works) but I take all these with a pinch of salt because I know that everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

Even if I believe in one thing, I won’t preach to another person of a different belief and try to convince them which belief makes more sense. I don’t patronize other people’s opinions just because I think they’re wrong. I don’t base my own beliefs and opinions on current events, i.e. All Muslims are evil terrorists because they blow up countries! They cause wars! Look at 9/11! And Al-Qaeda! – Um hello, is that the only terrorist attack this world has seen? Let’s talk about George Metesky. Or the relatively recent Oslo incident. HELL, LET’S TALK ABOUT WORLD WAR I & II because honestly, any killing of innocent people on a large scale should be considered terrorism.

Most people have this skewed train of thought that Islam is a religion where its followers enjoy killing non-Muslims, that wives and daughters are at the mercy of their husbands and fathers, that females have to be covered from head to toe, that women have no rights, that Jihad means to fight for the sake of God… the list is endless.

But these misconceptions were brought about by culture, not the religion of Islam itself.

And that is what makes me want to drive the head of the next ignorant person I come across, into the nearest wall.

Muslims don’t enjoy killing non-Muslims; only terrorists (regardless of religion) and murderers (think Jack the Ripper, Ted Bundy, etc) do. Females are not at the mercy of their male counterparts; male chauvinists only dictated this to be true because they put their ego and pride as their priority instead of loving their wives and daughters. Females are encouraged to cover themselves for the sake of their own modesty, but being forced to do so against their will is a violation of their rights (similarly, putting a ban on wearing the burqa, like what France had recently done, is also a violation of the Muslim females’ rights to dress how they want). Women do have rights; in fact, men and women were made equal in God’s eyes and should be respected equally (but see the second point above on the male ego and pride for justification on this misconception). Jihad does not mean ‘to fight for the sake of God’; in fact the true Arabic meaning of this is ‘struggle’. There are many forms of jihad, with the greater jihad to be the struggle of the soul, or against one’s self.

While on the topic of Jihad, let me just say that suicide is actually a sin in Islam (similar to it being a sin in other major religions as well. Not to mention, an act of cowardice) so these Muslim suicide bombers who claim that they are dying for Islam and who recklessly use the words “Allahu Akbar! (God is Great!)” as their dying words before they blow themselves up into smithereens… Sorry to burst your bubble, dude, but you’re going to hell. And you’re not getting your 72 virgins.

My bottomline is – people should stop generalizing. Stop generalizing all Muslims to fit the stereotype of how all Muslims are terrorists. Stop generalizing that all Muslims are backward and oppressed by Islam. Stop generalizing that all Muslim men are allowed to subject their wives and children to beatings and abuse.

Similarly, stop generalizing that all Jews are greedy, manipulative masterminds (here’s talking to you, Dad). Stop generalizing that all priests are pedophiles. Stop generalizing on ANYTHING – go read up on your facts and get them straight, before you start spreading more unjust hatred and biased opinions.

Some uneducated low-life will always make it their life purpose to ruin the sacredness and truth of a religion with twisted misinterpretations and lies. And then more uneducated low-lifes will trust these lies and hand them out as the “truth”, to other people. The vicious cycle will never end.

Just believe in yourself, and your faith. Your rationality of what is wrong and what is right, instead of merely listening to others blindly.

And just so you know… I’ve been learning about and exploring the Baha’i faith. A religion that has emphasis on the spiritual unity of all humankind, recognizes the oneness of all the world’s greatest religions and also emphasizes on equal opportunities, rights and privileges for both men and women, amongst other things?

Until some low life decides to ruin this religion like they have to all other religions, this sounds pretty good to me.

Pax et amor,
♥

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I miss you most in the morning
Most every morning
I wake up thinking
I could call;
I could come visit;
I could come running;
We could relive it

But when I think of all that we’ve been through,
Going back to you
Seems such a foolish thing to do
I hope you know -
That even if I don’t,
I wanted to

All those words you said at the ending
Were pretty revealing
And I can’t forget them
All those ways we missed at connecting,
Despite all our trying,
It always came back to -
What I couldn’t give you

So when I think of starting up again,
Or trying to be friends,
It seems impossible to do
That even if we can’t,
I wanted to

Who knows why
Two people perfectly aligned
Should ever have to find themselves apart
I’ll never understand my heart

I miss you -
Most in the morning,
Most every morning,
I wake up crying.

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And that, is that.

♥